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Time To Say Goodbye   
05:14pm 11/06/2004
 
mood: drained
I looked over all my journals, well jose is staying so far, he's not going to leave a billion miles away. And we got into the biggest fight a few nights ago but things were said that were needed to be said. so things are better now i suppose and better is always a plus. Me and mom are getting along and im ignoring dad so thats a major blah. I think i passed all my classes so yipppeeee. I havent been feeling sick like i usually do so hella yea! and i am talking to a few old pals, plus i go for my drivers test in shit 2 months. things are getting better, well at least i thought. Until i hit a major rock in the road. This morning jose came over to get some breakfast we ate ihop and talked a little, there was alot of uncomfortable silence, until i broke it we went to my house he was going to drop me off, and then my dad and mom walked out they were leaving for a while. So we waited till they left and then i said ok cya have a great day at work and he said wait i can come in. I was so happy but at the same time dreadful. I looked at him and said HEY ok. He came in and went straight to my room and then my bed said he was "tired" so he stood i knew what he wanted he knew what he wanted to, so i gave in. He made a comment earlier how he wanted to miss work and thats what i was riding on, its not like im craving more attention. But what happened today sucked. So we made so lovin and then my heart broke into pieces he looked up at me right after and said "i have to go to work". I Wanted to cry, and say wtf. Not cause im an emotional bitch but this is the 3rd time this has happened and i dont think he even notices it. I felt so ugly and used and most of all hurt I got up we got dressed walked him out and half way was the agreement half way to his car and then i would turn back. So i did i walked half way and he hugged me and said h loved me he'd call me later, i said i loved him too to have a nice day at work and as i turned back i felt so many tears rush down my face it was unbarable i ran and locked myself in my room. So i am sitting in my room thinking about some stuff. And realizin how much things will be changing in the months to come. I fear it, so much sometimes i can breathe. I feel like my first love is leaving me, and in some ways i feel like he's already left.
 
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INFORMING TIME   
10:34am 11/06/2004
  I HATE ME!

does it make sence! well lets see from january to june alot of things have changed, so many things, first of all i feel like total shit, i cant believe that everything is happening the way it is, things are supposed to get better well then man wtf! why isnt it getting better, am i missing something lol, ok wait i think everyone is. I think jose is seriously tired of me, he has been not calling me at night and everday since we've been together he calls me every night to tell me goodnight. We have been fighting like fuck! about everything. To the point were i hang up now, and so does he. I feel like crying, my dad and me are literally at each others throats and my mom is a fucking drggy enough said why the hell did i move back shiiiiiit beats me, we want to kill each other. I want to go hang out with some friends and get forget about this, oh wait i would always blow everyone off for jose so now im not in the top 10 cool kids LOL. But i know i know it my fault why im in what i am. i blame myself for it all. you may think im so hard on myself, lol wtf no im not im just telling the truth i brought it all upon myself and now i need to fix it. Fuck this im going to go catch a movie on the tv. HA if i resort to tv then something is seriously wrong.
 
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Bummed   
04:57pm 04/06/2004
 
mood: cold
you know whats the funny thing i cant help but say man my relationship with everyone rocks. Well me and my parents are totally on hate terms, me and jose are alright but at the same time i cant help but feel like alot of thing are wrong, im not telling anyone. why cause i cant, it wont come out, i dont want people getting the wrong idea you know, i mean the guy i love they dont need to think bad stuff about him. Anyways im so bummed cause all my friends arent what they seemed. And i have no one, i think i will just go to sleep. Cause share time is over.
 
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THE SHOW   
06:11pm 26/01/2004
 
mood: cold
I went to bleeding through and then the next night black heart eulougy and antagonist and they were both awesome...i danced and socked some girl in the head. and i feel great. i think my anger problems are getting a tad bit out of control but quite frankly i dont give a flying squirel. and im trying to work on my cursing issue. well im out my loves on the phone
 
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love was not supposed to hurt this much   
03:09pm 19/01/2004
 
mood: melancholy
All i can do now is sit here. For the last day all i have been doing is thinking. He's leaving me behind, the one i love is going to be 10,000 miles away. Now i should be happy for him cause he is doing something with his life. But i cant help but feel like i am a greedy bitch, i want him to stay here so bad. I hate it when i cant see him for one day and 9 months will be horrible. Im not only scared by that but everyone is telling me this is the end. He will leave and meet someone new and when he comes back you two will be two different people. But then people tell me things like awe how cute im glad you guys are going to work through this. WORK THROUGH THIS! How in the fuck is this going to work. I cant see it working, i cant bring myself to tell him either. I know he loves me and i know i love him so much words would never hold any meaning to the feeling. Yet i wonder how much time it will take before he meets "her". The new interesting girl who sparks these feeling which cant be true because he has me here waiting. I cant help but feel guilty like im holding him back from living from expieriencing something else. And everyone agrees, "He's leaving for a reason and if you arent good enough to keep him here so be it" and now that i think about i cant keep him from something he wants to do. Even if i could i wouldnt. I love him to much and even though this is going to be hard i cant stop what is going to happen i cant freeze time forever all i can do is accept